Webs entanglement (finding the source)

According to my date of birth and the sciences and practices that busy themselves with finding meanings in the works of the universe, I am, among other things, a truth seeker and someone who is always searching for something. Proof of this and in particular the part with ‘always searching for something’, at a simplified level, is my present state - what I am doing NOW.

To start with the obvious…I am writing this but at the same time I have the TV on Discovery Science showing a documentary entitled ‘How the universe works’, (must say it’s a question that I have asked myself a million times). So yes, I want to watch it as it may contain information that I need to know! Can you imagine being able to actually understand how the universe works!? (a sprinkle of sarcasm here as it’s not bound to happen and as it turns out, it’s more to do with chemistry and physics, which are completely alien to me, than with the spiritual explanation I was hoping to get).

I don’t want to stop writing while I am watching this because when the creative juices start flowing, you’re not meant to stop them! I also have a book sitting open on my lap which I recently finished reading and my little ‘red diary’ where thoughts and words, unknown things and inspiring ideas get noted down from books I read, magazines, conversations with people and any other sources of cognisance. (I actually prefer the French word connaisance here - as I say it, it carries the meaning in its sound so elegantly. It makes me think of this vast river of flowing knowledge. I love certain words, even from languages that I don’t understand or speak. I love them for how they sound. Once you hear the word and you say it, its meaning makes perfect sense. Studying Latin has definitely got something to do with my overanalysis of words. Anyway, enough with my love for words! Back to what I am doing!)

I am reading through this book to add the gems of knowledge I’ve come across to my red diary and for some reason my mind tells me that it has to be done now. In addition to this I am also making mental notes of the next stage of my little art project (sounds rather pompous as it simply is a concoction of sea shells I’ve gathered from beaches across the globe and which I’ve finally decided to put together as a more aesthetic single unit).

This present state doesn’t necessarily indicate the ability to multitask nor it’s presented with the intention of sharing my interests and passions. I think it’s more reflective of that part I was talking about in the beginning with ‘always searching for something’… in different directions at the same time!!!!!

What I am really trying to do here is to understand this crazy panic I have of missing out on something; the rush to do everything my mind comes up with, all at the same time; the worry that I don’t get to digest all the information that gets thrown at me in various forms; the need to materialize there and then the mental ‘to do’ list as thoughts circulate in my mind …. It’s this crazy need of attending to everything at all times, of wanting to do everything and keeping up with the world, the trends, the ‘new’, checking my Iphone, Ipad, desktop all at the same time because they all beep with new messages, emails, links, photos, people’s posts on facebook, blogs, interesting websites and so on. There’s so much information!

‘Yes there is but you don’t need to sponge it all in!’ It’s ok if I don’t understand the chemical processes that make up our universe or how the engine of a car works or cannot work with graphs or I don’t know the names of all the writers and what they wrote or what websites my friends on facebook subscribe to, or the capitals of all the countries in the world or what happened in Malaya during the 1950’s Emergency or the biggest producer of oil in the world (I actually do know the latter, I thought I’ll throw it in there to make myself feel better). It’s ok not to know things and it is impossible to be familiar with everything anyone ever mentions or to have to be interested in everything. You wouldn’t be living on Earth if you did; you would be in a special land that looks like Avatar perhaps, where pretty little blue fairies whisper bits of information in your ears and you have books growing out of your fingers and call yourself an encyclopaedia.

Sadly, it’s not just my thirst of knowledge and curiosity that make me an addict to information. Ok, aside from my OCD (which I like to call discipline), I think I sometimes hope that maybe while scavenging through all these piles of information I will stumble across the Eureka moment and go: ‘Ha, that’s what I’ve been looking for. I was meant to read this at this time. I’ve got it now! Here’s the answer! ' That’s me trying to find my purpose in life I guess, seen that I wasn’t one of those children who had a clear answer to the question ‘ What do you want to be when you grow up?’

It’s exhausting though! I am exhausting myself trying to find that ‘something’. I have no idea what I am searching for when I pounce on the computer with a list of things I ‘need’ to research and know, which most of the time leave me dreaming of all the things ‘I could do if…’ This also means that I am constantly thinking, analyzing, wondering, questioning, moving, searching, chasing, planning, changing and so on and pretty much living in a different life and a different time... And none of these things happen without the emotional flavor added to them. I go through a whole rainbow of emotions: the whole palette from low to high. That’s a lot for the heart and the mind to deal with on a daily basis.

What is the source of all of this ‘rushing’ to know, rushing to add things to our belt so we can say ‘We’ve been there, we’ve done that, we know it, we are part of it'. There seems to be such a thirst for life, for knowledge, for sharing (reference to social networks).

It’s not just the addiction to information, sharing statuses and photos and being involved in everything at the same time - so that we feel we live important meaningful existences and are up to date with everything - that I am trying to make sense of. I know people have written more coherent explanations and studies on what happened to the world up to the year 2013 in terms of our interests, addiction to the internet, the effects of social media and technology and this whole awakening era that we are going through right now which brings spiritual and life meaningful quotes on our screens through Facebook every day. Apparently the world as we knew it, ended in December 2012. I really don’t want to sound sarcastic or have a mocking tone here because I do actually believe there is a change in the world (inevitable and part of the evolution I guess). I don’t think it necessarily started with December 2012 but it’s either that I have changed and I now look at things differently or the world has started to change because there’s definitely more emphasis on life and living, on purpose and on going back to our roots, becoming more humble, respecting nature and retracing our evolvement as this great Homo Sapiens species that we think we are. I think we’re getting close to the realization (and this is not from the documentary on Discovery Science) that we are a lot smaller and more vulnerable than we thought when facing the works of the universe and the laws of nature.

There is this strong web entanglement in the world and slowly slowly it seems that people are climbing on and making it a shared purpose, a collective effort to make the world better and to counterbalance the ‘hysteria’ that comes with being a constantly evolving race, with cultivating mindfulness and love for everything around us.

I personally want to enjoy to simply be, to forget about the race ( as in a race for a life that's not mine) and to appreciate what I have, use the abilities I have without focusing on the ones that I don’t have. I want to install a ‘calm’ software on my processor and become more selective in what information I want to search, store and allow to press on my mind and heart. I want to stumble across that right ‘something’ because I am looking and searching in the right direction.

Finding the source of my need to constantly search and the need to be connected -not always in a good way and reflective of the right meaning of connection - is what I was hoping to get from pouring out this wordy reflection on this screen. However it’s such a bumpy road and one that needs to look at too many things, not to mention the detours and distractions on the way.

And I am hoping that the notions of synchronicity and paths meant to be crossing and things meant to come our way are true and once I stumble across the right ‘something’ I’ll know it’s what I’ve been searching for.

And I am going to stop here because I am late on starting with my second reflection, which is on Full Moon Yoga on the beach and the questions that circled around in my mind like birds of prey circling above in the starry sky set alight by the last full moon of this year. This reflection dived down on me while I was trying to put into practice this whole notion of ‘ being still, focusing on my breath, be there in the moment and stop thinking and searching’.

Me.